“You’ve got to be either a bitch or a whore.” I clearly remember my drill instructors telling me this in boot camp. What does it mean? It means there’s only two ways the men you serve with will talk about you as a female Marine. Either you embrace challenging everyone and having an attitude about it, or people will assume you’re incompetent and just there to sleep around.
Being in any branch of the military as a female is challenging, as we’re always a minority percentage compared to the men. “Female Marines aren’t real Marines, you have it easier, you’re not really one of us…” Some of the phrases I heard. As if we didn’t go through the same training, complete the same tests. This attitude is hard to fight against and quite frankly it is exhausting. It is exhausting to have to prove yourself not as good as the men, because they won’t recognize that, but better. You must excel to even be counted as worthy. If you don’t, well you aren’t a real Marine anyway.
This was one of the biggest challenges to my mental health I faced during my time in service. This constant pressure to prove myself. I don’t have an aggressive personality naturally. I’m quite shy, a rule follower, a classic “good student”. I wasn’t accustomed to people prejudging me before they met me, for having to constantly work to change their minds, prove I was good enough. And worse, for some people, I would never be good enough.
When you’re constantly told you’re not worthy, at some point you start to wonder if it is true. Even after leaving the military, I find it difficult to accept when people thank me for my service. In my eyes, I didn’t do that much, didn’t accomplish a lot compared to others. Would I have this same feeling if I hadn’t faced such a battle to be accepted in the first place? It’s impossible to say, but I do think the repercussions of those attitudes continue to haunt us.
I know there are female service members who face far worse challenges and have truly traumatic experiences during their service, and I would never diminish that. But is it fair that those of us who only faced the “normal, no big deal” prejudgment and dismissive attitude from our fellow Marines, soldiers, airmen, sailors are expected to simply shrug it off? That it can’t be right if this attitude festered to a point where it diminishes our own sense of self-worth?
We all know logically that we are as good as the men, that our contributions matter, that we made a difference in our time in the service, but knowing these things intellectually and truly believing them are two different things. It takes time, effort, and sometimes help from a professional to accept. It’s worth it to make this effort, not only to help us feel at peace with our time in the service and proud of what we’ve accomplished, but also to be ready to face the next challenge in life without being blocked by self-doubt.
Every person’s challenges are different, but we’re also united under many of the experiences we had. I hope this Veteran’s Day you take the time to reflect not just on your fellow service members, but also on yourself. That you can accept and love yourself as you are and recognize that any challenge can be overcome.
This story is told from the perspective of a female veteran, who prefers to remain anonymous. If this story speaks to you as a female member of the military or a family member, please don’t hesitate to reach out for support, you don’t have to face the struggle alone, contact us @ https://everyheartdreamscounseling.com/contact-erinneverhartlmft.
