Pre-teens are notoriously the hardest years. Looking back on it, I remember pushing back against my mom around age 10. Now my own daughter is 10 years old. And while this age has many beautiful and amazing qualities, it also comes with its own set of challenges.
My little girl is still my “little girl”….right?! Sometimes I feel that her small self is still in there. She asks me to read her a story, or to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. It reminds me of the time she was 6 years old, and looked at me while playing with her dolls, and said “Mom, come play with me!” And I joined in. Or I said, mommy is tired or busy right now….and oh, what I would give to have those years back. And yet, there is something so amazing about witnessing my daughter grow, and start becoming her own strong person.
If my girls were not strong willed, I wouldn’t know whose they were. I say this jokingly, but it is true, and helps me to reframe the normalcy of having a strong-willed pre-teenager, or “tween” in the house. When she challenges me, or “gives me an attitude,” I think, “Take a step back, and don’t take it personally.” This is key. The sassy glare, or daughter knows best tone doesn’t hook me if I understand that it is not at all personal. It is my daughter finding her voice, with someone she is comfortable with, and that lucky person is me.
So, how do you navigate these twists and turns of pre-stage adolescence? It is like riding a roller coaster, riding along with your child’s moods day in and out. One minute it’s the “I love you mom, can you help me?” and the next minute it’s, “I don’t need you telling me what to do!” So how do you stay strong when your tween needs you the most?
Stay grounded. Your son or daughter needs your calm grounded presence. Think, “I am a rock. Or a tree, and I stand consistent when the ground shakes all around me.” Do what you need to do to be that tree, that calm presence who can weather the storms.
Regulate your nervous system. Hormones are literally hi-jacking your child’s nervous system. Just as when they were little, they are looking to you to co-regulate with them. Just because they are moody as you know what, you don’t need to match them. In fact, keep yourself neutral and you will see them begin to calm down. They need your nervous system to stay regulated, so they can calm down, just as they did when they were 6.
Say “I love you” or some form of caring expression, every day, even when your pre-teen says they don’t want to hear it. Kids do best when their parents provide a loving and caring home for them. Even if they roll their eyes, or don’t say it back, saying “I love you” will literally make their day! They will take it in without necessarily responding. Again, don’t take it personal.
Find a way to validate them and encourage their self-expression. Maybe they picked their own outfit for school, and it isn’t necessarily what you would choose, but it also isn’t inappropriate either. Validate them through an encouraging phrase or a compliment. Try, “I like your creativity with your outfit today, it really shows your sense of style.” Then, notice how they light up because they really do care about what you think.
Remember that when your young adolescent pushes back, it is a sign of healthy independence and autonomous expression. Hold the boundary so they stay safe. You are their container. Just because you are the “cool” parent, doesn’t mean you have to say “yes” to everything! And in fact, your tween needs you to hold a consistent boundary for them, it allows them to feel safe.
Don't compare, and refrain from criticism. Try not to insert your own judgement as they are forming their beliefs. Hold a space for their unique perspective, even if you don’t agree. It is okay to agree to disagree with your tween, they are still forming their own opinions and it is healthy development for them. You can encourage them to look at different sides of a problem, without criticizing their views.
Identity formation is key at this stage. Per Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development, identity vs. role confusion is normal in adolescence, between the ages of 11-19 years old. Kids begin forming their unique identities earlier on, but during adolescence, they really start to explore and question, “Who am I?” This may mean trying on various identities, styles, attitudes, and adopting several different roles before they settle on one.
Remember, you as the parent are lucky enough to have an opportunity to establish a solid foundation for your child in the years in between childhood and leading up to adulthood. The foundation has already been set in childhood, but as your child continues to grow, you can set the stage for modeling the balance between healthy independence and firm loving boundaries. The goal is not to be a perfect parent, but a strong role model who can step in and support your kid when they need it, and also know when to step back and let them begin to learn how to lead their own lives. It may not always prove to be the easiest road, but it is certainly worth it.
For more parenting support or for counseling for your pre-teen, contact us @ https://everyheartdreamscounseling.com/contact-erinneverhartlmft. We hope to hear from you!
Image of my beautiful tween girl, courtesy of Susannah Gill Photography. Please see Community Resources page for Susannah’s info, https://everyheartdreamscounseling.com/community-resources.
