Can people with Emotional Immaturity change?
There are a lot of strong opinions and persuasive arguments that claim that people who have prominent emotional immaturities cannot and will not change. There are a lot of dehumanizing view points that suggest that emotionally immature people are evil and unworthy of care or attention. The view has traditionally been to cut off these relationships completely.
However, what if you have an emotionally immature family member? Someone you love and care for, whom you know is well-meaning. Who has shown that they have knowledge, insight, and self-reflective qualities to grow and change. They may slip into old patterns, they may upset you, their guilt trips may never fully stop. But they are human and have their good qualities, as well as the bad.
I often view emotional immaturity as existing on a spectrum or continuum. Very few people are full blown narcissistic or borderline personalities. Most people exist somewhere in between, in the shades of grey. In fact, the colloquialisms for toxic behaviors have become so common that young people are referring to them and “calling out” these behaviors among their nearest and dearest friends and family members. It is a reminder that educating people about these patterns can help us to collectively recognize them, within ourselves and each other.
The hardest part with emotional immaturity comes when the defenses of the individual are so high that they cannot see past them to self-reflect on their own patterns. Many times, the family member with the highest level of emotional immaturity does not seek out treatment for themselves, because they will project that everyone else is the problem. It is this lack of accountability that becomes their greatest hindrance to seeking true support. They will go through life continuing to have problems within all their relationships, because everyone else is to blame, but themselves.
Perhaps that biggest challenging factor, is that people with emotional immaturities often lack empathy, which makes it challenging to experience a true emotional repair. An emotional repair happens where both parties come together to work things out, make amends, and to make their relationship better. But, this is only truly effective when each individual has a real ability to empathize with the other individual’s perspective, and to be able to set their ego aside enough to acknowledge that person’s pain and self-reflect on their own behaviors. It is often not the emotionally immature individual’s intention to cause harm. However, acknowledging that a behavior has caused someone harm despite the best of intentions, shows genuine supportive empathy.
Another way to work through emotional immaturities in a relationship is to condition the other person’s response through changing your own behavior. If your behaviors have somehow been enabling the person’s emotionally immature patterns, there is less motivation for that person to change. Emotionally immature people often are good at providing verbal reassurances, but may have little follow through. Rather than giving them an ineffective verbal reminder, simply changing your patterned response may be enough to inspire them to change theirs. For example, they may be leaving their dishes in the sink and you have been the one to clean it up. One day, you stop cleaning up after them and leave only their dishes in the sink. Eventually, they will have to face the music. Think of this as providing behaviors and consequences for a little kid who has been pushing the boundaries.
There are sometimes reasons to let go of, or discontinue a relationship with someone who has high levels of emotional immaturity. This may happen when the relationship has become so toxic and exploitative that trust levels are really very low. It is hard to make a full recovery when someone is highly abusive or exploitative. In these situations, repairs may not be able to be made, and creating some distance with the individual may be the best remedy to the problem.
Remember that, whatever you decide to do with the emotional immaturities within your relationships, you will be best received if you are honest, transparent, demonstrate positive regard and empathy for the other person, and a willingness to work on the relationship without reinforcing or condoning the childish behaviors.
