Boundaries

Boundaries create a line, either real or imaginary, where one (individual, object, place, or thing) ends and another begins. Between individuals, boundaries are observed in relation to each other. When individuals establish healthy boundaries in relationships, they learn to preserve their own needs and respect the needs of others.

When we do not set healthy boundaries in our relationships, the result is that we may feel violated, and may lose a sense of autonomy over our own lives. Setting effective boundaries helps keep our lives in balance, by establishing limits to protect our time, energy, and value in relationships. Boundaries may either be physical or emotional, and protecting our personal and emotional space. Boundary violations can result in feeling overwhelmed by others, sacrificing our own needs, or feeling “taken for granted.” Establishing healthy boundaries can result in experiencing positive self-esteem, a stronger sense of identity, better life balance, and more positive and respectful relationships with others.

Ways to set healthy boundaries:

1. Determine to protect your time and energy by creating structure and by setting reasonable limits on demands that are placed on you. We often hear that our time is valuable, but how many of us set boundaries around our time? This is includes setting limits on working hours, time spent socializing, and time devoted to energy draining tasks. When our energy is depleted, we have nothing left to give.

2. Establish limits in relationships by practicing assertive communications. Communicate with individuals about your own needs, while respecting their personal boundaries as well. Often a healthy compromise can be reached when an individual’s needs are clearly expressed and honored by both parties.

3. Set boundaries around your physical space, and possessions. Sometimes these boundaries are easier to set because they are often more observable and tangible than emotional boundaries.

4. Protect emotional boundaries, including: separate your feelings from the feelings of others, separate your own needs, and don’t blame others. This includes setting limits around sharing and expressing your feelings, and taking on the emotional needs of others.

The Expanded DBT Skills Training Manual (Pederson, 2017) defines wats to establish healthy and respectful boundaries in relationship to others, using the acronym BOUNDARY.

Be aware of Self

This includes being aware of your self in relation to others. Noticing whether your boundaries are too open or closed, dependent on your relationship with the other individual.

Observe others in the situation

This is includes respecting others, and being aware of their personal boundaries in relation to yours. Observe another individual’s space, and be respectful of their needs.

Understand your limits, and the limits of others

This includes being aware of the limits you have set, in addition to the limits set by others. If you are not aware of another individual’s boundaries, check in with them respectfully if you feel you may have crossed the line.

Negotiate boundaries

Sometimes it is necessary to negotiate our boundaries in relation to others. This may prove essential when boundaries are too rigid or diffuse, and more flexibility may be needed to come to a healthy compromise. However, this does not mean compromising your own integrity in order to “fit in” or be liked.

Differences exist

Differences in relationships should be acknowledged and respected. Remember that differences exist and that each individual is influenced by their own background, culture, values, and experiences.

Always Remember Your Values

Another person’s views, beliefs, and values should be respected, and remember to respectfully communicate about your own value system.

Your safety comes first

Remember to protect your emotional, psychological, and physical safety in relation to others. It is not healthy to continuously compromise your own health and safety for the needs of others.

Once healthy boundaries have been established and communicated, your personal relationships can become more respectful and fulfilling. Prioritize communications around boundary setting, and establishing healthy limits that define acceptable and unacceptable behaviors for yourself and others.