Do Not Give Your SELF Away
Over time, as emotionally immature relationship patterns take their toll, you may no longer recognize the person you have become within the relationship. This is because they minimize your pain, detract from your self-worth, monopolize your mind, and blame-shift all their insecurities onto you. The most devastating loss in any of these relational dynamics is the loss of the self. The whole you that once was, and existed as a separate, autonomous, and independent person. Is it possible to be your true authentic and independent self while in relationship with another person? The short answer is “yes,” and the caveat is “within a healthy relationship dynamic.”
My personal freedom has always been important to me. This is because I recognized long ago that this was the one thing I had the right to cling onto, despite what anyone else tried to convince me I needed to do. Does this mean I have a strong will? Yes. Does this mean I stand up for myself? Yes. Does this mean I generally refuse to take on harmful behavior from most people? Yes!
However, this process has not always been easy, especially within emotionally abusive or controlling relationship dynamics. It means I had to “toughen up” and develop a “thicker skin,” and to no longer care about the words and feelings of others that were projected onto me for simply refusing to give away my sense of self. It means I had to learn to set boundaries to protect my own rights and needs, and to be more discerning about making emotional disclosures in relationships. It means I had to recognize that not everyone was worthy of my time, trust, and loyalty. And, in fact, the greatest loyalty I owed was to my SELF.
Emotionally abusive relationship patterns are truly damaging to your core sense of self, safety, vulnerability and trust. They damage you from the inside out, and this means learning to recognize and undo a world of self-blame, shame, and mistrust of your own feelings. When you have been continuously labeled as “bad,” “wrong,” “ungrateful” or otherwise inferior, it takes a strong sense of inner-knowing to counteract these labels and begin to extricate them from who you truly are.
Seeing other people’s projections and distortions of you as not reality, and feeling strong within yourself can allow you to fully find your strength and voice in your own wisdom and truth. And thereby, you can maintain your freedom and authenticity in all of your relationships. If simply being you is not good enough, that is a them problem, not a you problem.
