The One-Sided Relationship
Therapists are experts at knowing the one-sided relationship. This is because therapy is a space where clients enter into a relationship with their therapist that is wholly one sided. It is for the benefit of the client, and not for the benefit of the therapist. In general, clients will walk away from therapy not every knowing much about their therapist, because the focus of the relationship is to solely provide support for the client.
In real life, we all want relationships that go both ways. This means, a truly mutually beneficial relationship will take into consideration the needs and wants of both parties. And the support will be balanced with give and take. This is an ideal scenario, however, it is not always the case. In fact, many relationships go on with an imbalance for years. It may be because the partners never discuss it, or perhaps they don’t recognize these patterns at first, but over time, these types of relationships wreak havoc on both partners.
For example, one of the partners may be very generous in nature, a good listener, and genuinely expresses a lot of interest in the other person. This kind of attention feels good, and the partner may not even realize they are taking advantage of it. But slowly, over time, one party may start to notice the imbalance. Perhaps one partner becomes accustomed to this degree of attention, and always shares their own stories. When it comes time for the other person to share, they may only half-listen or interrupt and bring the focus back on them. They may initially think they are doing this as a way to relate to the other person, but they are also demanding more time and attention from the other by not giving in return. Another example may be demonstrating a lack of concern for the other person, by minimizing, criticizing, dismissing, or ghosting the other person, unless they have a need a desire they want validated.
This has now entered into a harmful relationship dynamic, where one person monopolizes and controls the interactions, and the other person has become the “side-kick.” The side-kick will always live in the shadows of the “great one” and may feel that their needs do not matter, unless they serve someone else.
However unintentionally these imbalances are created, it is very important to begin to shift the imbalance. Try talking to the other person and mention how their ghosting affects you. Maybe they were genuinely busy (once or twice), but if it has become a pattern, it is more about taking the other person for granted (ie. they will be there when I decide to reach out to them).
One-sided relationships are painful, either in the dating world or the friendship arena. If the relationship is no longer mutual, begin to question its value. Does the person really consider your wants and care about you as a person? Or do they really desire your time, attention and energy more than anything else? Giving an honest answer will help you clarify your own feelings about the relationship.
When it is time to move on from a one-sided relationship dynamic, be sure to take away the lessons learned from the interaction so as not to repeat them in the future. It is good to have hope that genuine reciprocal relationships exist, and that it may be a continual readjustment to balance the give and take. But is worth it to find someone who truly cares about you, and values what you have to offer them in the relationship.
