Stepping Out of the Gaslight Tango
Gaslighting is often a harmful experience. The person on the receiving end can feel invalidated and pressured to comply with the gaslighter’s version of reality. Often times, you may not even be aware that you are slipping into the “gaslight tango,” you just somehow end up there. A partner, friend, or family member may invalidate your point of view by calling you crazy, dismissing your POV, or telling you that something did not happen (when it did). If you feel a strong degree of loyalty toward the gaslighter, you may choose to agree with their alternate version of reality, or you may even begin to question or doubt your own perspective.
Unfortunately, experiencing years of gaslighting can damage an individual’s sense of confidence in themselves, as well as hindering their voice and emotional connection in relationships. It can lead to destructive and damaging relationship cycles that can continue emotionally abusive patterns further down the road.
The good news is, we can learn to recognize and examine the experience of gaslighting, and we can take control over our own behavior and response to extract us from the situation and minimize the impact of the abuse.
One step is to recognize that we have the power to disengage from the “Gaslight Tango.” We can choose to not become a “gaslightee.” When we disengage, we do not entertain the gaslighter’s version of reality and we hold onto our own perspective while calmly and clearly ending the discussion. We may choose to do this by taking the following steps:
Step 1. Don’t internalize the gaslighter’s words or dismissive comments. The gaslighter may try to hook you with their discrediting remarks. Or they may be unintentionally gaslighting due to their own emotional immaturity that prevents them from being able to admit to a mistake. Either way, you do not have to take the bait. Remain calm and remind yourself that you have your perspective on the situation and it is valid.
Step 2. Don’t try to prove that you are right. This is where the tango becomes more intense. It often leads to an argument which ultimately goes nowhere. Especially if the gaslighter is equally convinced of their own POV, or does not want to admit a fault. Disengage and resist the urge to “show them” what you know.
Step 3. Step back and externalize the bigger picture. When you step back and gain some perspective over the situation, you may realize you can calmly exit from the argument by simply saying something like, “we have different perspectives and that is okay.” By externalizing the situation and calmly expressing that you would like to end the conversation peacefully, you will be able to exit the gaslight tango. Let them dance by themselves.
It can be difficult to undo years of experience getting hooked into these patterns. But it can also be simple, once you recognize and practice the pattern of disengaging and externalizing the process.
Information on the Gaslight Tango, has been extracted from the following resource.
Stern, Robin. “The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life,” New York, 2018.
