Growing up with Emotionally Immature Parents
As a child, growing up with an emotionally immature parent can feel imbalanced. The relationship may revolve around the parent’s needs, emotions, or wants as opposed to what is in the best interest of the child. This may be reflected by the parent choosing to live vicariously through their child, thereby placing unnecessary pressures on them (ie. expecting them to be “perfect”). Or by blaming the child when things go wrong. There is often an unconscious role-reversal that happens, where the parent is expecting their child to take care of their emotional needs, rather than the other way around, or these needs may become enmeshed (or co-dependent). Unfortunately, if the parent’s needs are not being met by the child, they may lash out on their children directly, or through passive- aggressive or manipulative behavior (ie, through playing the victim, guilt tripping, gaslighting or projecting the blame).
As an adult, when you have been raised by emotionally immature parent(s), it can be really hard to feel that you can have a life of your own. One of the hardest things for parents who experience emotional immaturity, is to allow their child to individuate from them. When this happens, it is often viewed as a rejection of the parent, and the child (or adult) may be disregarded, or cut off from the family system. It is as though the child’s needs no longer matter, because they are no longer being of service to the parent. This can be extremely hurtful to the adult child, who often feels they are being ignored or estranged from their parent for no good reason.
Emotionally immature parents may have a hard time relating to their adult child as an equal. This is because they often struggle with viewing others in relationships as equals. This may stem from a need to have control over their environment, which includes control over their relationships with others. This creates a power imbalance in the relationship dynamic. Trust me when I say that people know when they are not being treated fairly, or as an equal in the relationship.
There are many ways to establish healthier patterns of relationships, even if you have grown up with emotionally immature parent(s). Often times, healthier boundaries can be established in relationship with the parent, and the adult child can model more appropriate methods of behavior and communication. This needs to be an intentional process because faulty patterns may continue, even in relationships with others, without conscious attention to shifting these unhealthy patterns of relating.
It is also extremely important for the adult child to do their own reflective work, in order to become more attuned to their own emotional needs. When you have been raised in an environment where you were expected to sacrifice, minimize or dismiss your own needs for others, this can be detrimental to your emotional well-being as an adult. It may be hard to even recognize your own needs, and you may have to spend more time carving out these boundaries for yourself, so you don’t continue sacrificial or co-dependent patterns in your current relationships.
Research conducted through the book:
Lindsay C Gibson, PsyD, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents, New Harbinger Publications Inc, Oakland, 2015.
