The Golden Child Returns, or when Codependency Takes its Toll
In an emotionally immature family system, there is often someone who assumes the role of the Golden Child. This is the one who is “most special” or “apart from the rest” in the eyes of the parent, who tends to see the best or “idealized” traits in the child. Often, this child falls into the “Rescuer” role for the parent, accommodating their needs for others, generally less assertive, and falling in line most often with the parent’s needs and wants. This is the child whom the parent identifies as their “most ideal self,” and often holds them on a pedestal.
However, in these family systems, someone can’t be seen as “all good” without someone else being seen as “all bad.” Ironically, the child who is generally the closest with the parent often falls into the role of the “scapegoat,” because they either identify too closely with the parent’s negative traits, their disowned or rejected parts, or they speak up and assert themselves against the parent’s wishes.
Neither of these roles views the child for who they truly are. They become black and white characters, Angel and the Devil, and everything they do or say becomes filtered through this lens. The “Angel” child can “do no wrong,” and the “Devil” child can “do no right.” Therefore, the subtleties are not recognized. When the Golden child makes a mistake, it is quickly forgiven, or simply swept under the rug, and when the Scapegoat makes a mistake, well then, everyone knows about it!
Unfortunately, the Golden Child is not always the best position to be in. This is because the Golden child often submerges his own identity, to be more in line with the parent. And this role begins to take it’s toll because this child often isn’t attending to their own needs in the process. Being self-sacrificial can create codependency, and the child never really sees themselves as being separate from the parent, or from others in their life.
The Scapegoat, on the other hand, has the chance to break free. They may have already subconsciously severed some of their codependency with the parent, either through asserting their own needs, against the parent’s wishes, or simply by virtue of being identified with the disowned parts of the parent. They may not experience the same pressures that the Golden Child has to constantly conform, and often perform, for the parent.
There are also times when the Golden Child may turn into the Scapegoat. This may happen when they choose to go against the parent’s wishes, or to break free from those bonds of codependency. However, sometimes they end up in pursuit of being someone else’s Golden Child, the role they lost, or didn’t have, and once they are in this role, the codependency continues with another individual who often replaces the parent role.
The question becomes, how do we recognize and assert our own needs and draw effective boundaries in relationships when we have grown accustomed to serving in these rigid roles? This process is not always easy, as often emotionally immature family patterns are hard to break. But small steps can be taken to get you back to caring for your own needs, and being less self-sacrificing in your relationships with others.
Step 1: Prioritize Self-Care: This becomes extremely important when you are not used to caring for, or even recognizing your own needs. Set aside time for yourself to truly take care of you, even if that means you are not being “perfect” in other aspects of your life.
Step 2: Assert your Needs: This is a big one, and often can be challenging for a codependent person to learn. When you grow up being put down, criticized or blamed for doing something for yourself, you may feel that your needs don’t even matter. But remember, your needs do matter!
Step 3: Stop bending over backward for others: Newsflash! There are people out there who will respect you for speaking up and will respect your personal boundaries. These are the types of healthy relationships that will not expect you to sacrifice your own needs, and in fact, they may even encourage you to STOP sacrificing yourself for everyone else.
Step 4: Recognize that Unlearning Codependent Habits is a process, and be gentle with yourself. You may second guess yourself, or think that you “are not doing enough,” when you begin to set boundaries that feel foreign to you. But remember, you are doing this so you can continue to live a long and healthy life for yourself, and for those who care about your well-being.
Remember, it is up to us to set these boundaries for ourselves, and to unlearn our codependent habits. No one else is going to do this for us (literally)! And while it may be challenging, and it may be a grueling process at times, it is worth it to have the freedom and interdependence that healthy relationships require.
