The Elusive “Narcissist”
The people who struggle with traits and tendencies of narcissism the most have the hardest time recognizing that they themselves could be narcissistic. The problem lies in the high defenses that shield them from having a realistic view of their true selves. Instead, they manifest an inflated ego, or false self, which becomes an idealized version that masks the true self, hidden beneath the surface. And since people with narcissistic traits often believe they are “only good,” this is where the split happens. They see others as “only bad,” projecting their distortions onto others and the other thereby becomes the so-called “Narcissist.”
Narcissism is deeply rooted in depressive tendencies, or a distorted lens that causes the individual to “fall down the rabbit hole,” deeply and often. The rabbit hole contains projections, distortions, delusions, and paranoid thinking (much like “Alice in Wonderland”). There may have been, and likely was, a reason that these fears developed, often stemming from a lonely, neglected, or rejected childhood where the child was “parentified,” or used by the parent to satfisy their own emotional needs. Many children grow through these experiences having taught themselves to carry a strong facade, because if this facade becomes shattered, others will see their true self, which may in reality be alone, afraid, and underdeveloped.
This is where a self-reflective capacity saves the day. Those who can self-reflect, and work on developing their true self separate from others will be able to foster emotional maturity and grow to build healthy interdependent and autonomous relationships with others. Those who lack this self-reflective capacity, however, will continue to act out their emotionally immature tendencies throughout adulthood and look to others to get their needs met. Thereby continuing to distort, project, and lack ownership for their behaviors that harm others.
The reality is that most people fall somewhere on the spectrum in between. If you were to tell me that you never engaged in any emotionally immature behaviors ever, this may indicate lower self-reflective capacity, and possibly even a higher degree on the narcissism spectrum. If, however, you have the capacity to recognize and take ownership of behaviors that are harmful toward yourself and others, this may indicate higher levels of emotional maturity.
This is why the word “Narcissist” becomes elusive. If we can look at the majority of people as having the capacity to grow into their best selves, we can stop projecting the word onto everyone who exhibits emotionally immature tendencies that are bothersome. However, if someone lacks a great deal of self-reflective capacity, and they hurt others often without remorse or consequence (typically due to a lack of boundaries), they may be more deserving of the title. On the other hand, if we were to think that as a society we can help to shape this self-reflective capacity for ourselves and others, we can help each other become better humans. With more capacity to love, respect, and truly care for one another.
