A View of Emotional Immaturity
Many individuals express emotional immaturity in some capacity. It can be viewed on a spectrum, and not as a definitive or pejorative term. The terms “narcissist” and “borderline” often get overused to mis-label or categorize people who more accurately may be considered to be emotionally immature. That is, they may share some defining characteristics of these personality disorders, and yet not entirely fit the bill.
From an attachment-oriented perspective, the theory is that, at some point, the immature person stopped developing emotionally as an individual, and became enmeshed with a parent or other caretaker in their life. This enmeshment allowed the individual to avoid facing a harsh environment, where they would feel judged or criticized if they attempted to separate from their caregiver. In order to protect themselves from these harsh realities, the individual created a defensive false self to cover up their less developed “real self.”
The main goal of this defensive layer, or armor, is to protect themselves from a sense of vulnerability in their relationships with others, so they do not experience this harsh feeling of judgment. They often create their own version of reality that falls in line with their subjective experience. The result is that they may lack intimacy, authenticity, and reciprocity in relationships with others.
The immature individual is afraid of vulnerability because they feel that they would be seen as worthless if they were to “be their true self.” Often times their sense of self becomes so protected and disconnected that they do not really know who that real self is. Instead, they become attached to the image they present to the world.
When individuals with emotional immaturity come to therapy, we focus on developing acceptance for their real and authentic self by slowly releasing their attachment to their false self (the image, status and projection). We do this by focusing on developing a deeper sense of empathy, self-love, and compassion. It is through this practice of self-love and acceptance, that the individual can connect with their more genuine and authentic self, and they can finally begin to lower their defenses and experience more openness and safety in relationships with themselves and others.
Content interpreted and extracted from presentation by Scott D. Brandt, PhD, Clinical Psychologist, “Effective Treatment of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder,” CAMFT Fall Symposium, 2022.
