Forgiveness
The concept of forgiveness carries a lot of weight. It has roots in cultural and religious constructs, as well as foundations in societies around the world. The notion that we, as human beings, are able to choose to forgive the wrongdoings of ourselves and others, demonstrates that we are capable of great compassion and understanding for the thoughts and views of the people in our lives, as well as on a more global scale.
Sometimes there are expectations that accompany the concept of forgiveness, but perhaps the grandest notion is to release these expectations, and to focus on forgiving without receiving anything in return. The hardest task may be to forgive someone who has wronged you, who will never admit to their wrongdoings. It may feel at odds to our concepts of justice and morality in society, where many believe that all humans should be treated with equal regard and respect.
In this case, it is important to acknowledge that forgiveness is actually intended to release ourselves from the binding of pain and misery, rather than to pardon the person who offended you. There are many reasons why others may not acknowledge or choose to admit that what they did was wrong, and we cannot change their actions or force their hand. We can decide to allow ourselves the opportunity to move past the anger and hurt in a way that will enable us to move forward with our lives without a layer of armor and ego.
It can be challenging to begin the process of forgiveness when we have not received an apology or a genuine sense that the offending person empathizes with our point of view. Some individuals may have limitations that impede with their ability to fully empathize with others, such as underlying emotional immaturity, or experiences of complex trauma that interfere with their ability to trust others in their lives and make amends. If this is the case, we may never achieve a level of emotional repair that we desire, and may have to decide whether we can still allow ourselves to have enough compassion to let go of the ruptures that have taken place.
How to begin to engage in the forgiveness process depends on where you are in the journey. After a negative or traumatic event, we may need to allow ourselves time to experience the grieving process and feelings of injustice, before we can begin to work toward the ultimate goals of acceptance and forgiveness. Once we have fully processed the anger and hurt, we can move toward a processing of gaining perspective and compassion for the other side.
There are times when it may be unsafe to reach out to the offensive party. In the case of domestic violence or physical abuse, where the abuser is narcissistic or unable to show remorse or empathy, it may be unproductive and damaging to ask the other party to participate in repair work. This is mainly because repair work is not likely to go beyond the surface level, and the cycle of violence may begin again.
Lastly, if we are able to forgive ourselves in the manner that we have been forgiving toward others, we will be able to free ourselves from the binds of guilt, remorse, or excessive empathy. Remember that no one else’s needs are more important than our own, and that self-sacrificing our needs for others will only lead to greater feelings of resentment and anger. Forgiving ourselves in addition to those we care for, allows for true compassion, dignity, and freedom.
