How to Confront Manipulation Strategically
Some individuals may resort to more indirect, or manipulative ways to get their needs met, as a matter of learned behavior. Perhaps these behaviors came about in response to environmental circumstances or pressures, early childhood trauma or emotional immaturity, perhaps they were unable to get their needs met in healthier ways when they were younger. Sometimes, these behavioral patterns may become so ingrained in the individual, that it becomes difficult to control or change these habits. In many ways, these behaviors have served a purpose over the years, and individuals may not have much incentive or desire to alter these self-serving behavior patterns.
Manipulative behaviors may take on more innocent forms, such as trying to convince someone to help out by buttering them up with praise. Who doesn’t want to hear the words, “Mommy I love you…” before your child or teenager asks for an advance on their allowance, or to borrow the car. Unfortunately though, these habits may morph into more toxic and controlling behaviors over time, such as through using conditional praise, backhanded compliments, shaming or bullying, de-valuing others, drawing on other’s weaknesses to undermine confidence, gaslighting and withdrawals, spreading rumors or turning others against each other, evoking guilt or empathy in others, and projecting blame so there is no accountability for their actions. These behaviors are not only harmful to others, but ultimately, they are very costly to an individual’s quality of relationships over time. Not to mention the severe damage to trust, self-esteem, and an individual’s sense of self-worth (for both the abuser and the abused).
As a therapist, I will often ask, “How have these manipulative behaviors served you?” Some individuals who manipulate do not have the self awareness that they are resorting to these strategies time and again to get their needs met. The patterns become so ingrained that they require a good degree of self-reflection to begin to recognize within the individual.
Another stumbling block is motivation to change. Many individuals who manipulate others may find that it has served them in some way. They may even find that they hold more power and authority over others when they can puppeteer from behind the scenes. And unfortunately, the incentive to abuse power may outweigh the cons in the scenario, because it may take abused individuals months or years to discover they have been manipulated or controlled in this way.
Manipulation is a little like a cat’s game. It is only effective if it is played in the dark, with unsuspecting individuals, and in a round about fashion. For manipulation to be truly effective, it requires gaining an individual’s trust and exploiting that trust over time. If a person is less trusting to begin with, or notices the tell-tale signs of manipulation, the jig is up. When an individual discovers they are being manipulated, or when they recognize the signs of manipulation at play, it is very wise to be strategic when confronting these behaviors. Depending on the cost/benefits of keeping the relationship, it can be helpful to call attention to the behaviors and express the harmful effects on you. If you can do this in a calm, unaffected manner, it can be more well-received than if it is delivered in anger. However, we are all human, and anger is a natural reaction to feeling taken advantage of. If you are angry, I would suggest working to calm down before matter of factly addressing the individual’s behaviors that hurt you (and separating this from attacking the person’s character).
You might address these behaviors by asking clear and direct questions. In response to a fabricated story or a denial (gaslighting), you might ask shrewd questions about the missing details from their story. Or, you might be able to reframe the story to elicit more empathy. “How do you think the other person felt in this scenario?” Many times the individual will be caught off guard by direct questions, and may not have an immediate response.
Another strategy is to call attention to the individual’s problem behaviors in a neutral way. If you can separate this from an attack on the individual’s character, this would also be helpful. This requires not getting hooked, or taking the bait (reacting emotionally to the triggering behavior). Further, by focusing more specifically on the behaviors that have affected you, this removes some of the shaming mechanisms that more emotionally immature individuals are often fearful of. You might try something like, “When you put me down like that, I have a hard time feeling love and respect for you. I know you want me to respect you, so if you could use more kind and respectful communication with me, I would appreciate it.”
There are ways to address manipulation in peaceful ways, but most require some sort of confrontation. However, if in some situations it is not safe to confront the individual, you may want to simply ignore the behaviors and plan your exit strategy. This is especially true if there has been any history of physical violence in the relationship. Matters of safety need to be addressed before any effective confrontation can take place.
Despite employing these strategies, it can be exhausting to experience manipulative behaviors over time. Often people who manipulate need to do some work on themselves before they can have healthy and effective relationships with others, and we cannot expect individuals to change before they are ready. Also, it is important to remember to establish boundaries and take space to preserve your emotional well-being, because your time and energy come first. No good will come from self-sacrificing behaviors, and it is important to attend to your own needs first and foremost.
