The Power of Assertive Communication
There is a big secret I discovered when I was a teen. It was that, if I was assertive and direct in my communications with others, I would be better understood and respected, and get the bullies to back off. Even as a young teen, I had a heightened awareness of power dynamics, and I knew that my greatest strength came from using my voice. There would always be those classic “frenemies” who would gossip, be sweet to your face and spread false rumors behind the back, those who would try to build you up just to tear you down, and those who felt like they were often holding back in some inauthentic way. I quickly got a sense of who was trustworthy and who was out to take advantage.
Unfortunately, my Superpower, that ability to see and cut through the BS, was also my greatest hinderance. While I would often avoid unnecessary power games, I would also create enemies. People who were intimidated by my “confrontational nature” or who felt I was being “mean or rude” by speaking my mind freely. I don’t know if they were alienated by the strength of my words, or by the fierce intention I had to “not get played.”
Over the years, and now, in my work as a therapist, I have had to learn to soften my approach. Assertiveness does not always mean being “in your face” direct and no bars honesty. Although, admittedly, that is sometimes my default response. But, I have learned to calibrate, and to communicate in a gentle but firm manner. Unless, of course, I am really pushed to the max….we all have our flaws.
This gentle but firm approach when it comes to assertive communication, might look something like this.
“Hi (friend), I am really feeling uncomfortable with this situation. When you tell me inappropriate comments about Layla, it feels as though you are putting me in a loyalty bind. I still like Layla, and I also like you, so I would appreciate continuing to be friends with both of you despite your disagreement..”
Starting with an “I feel” statement, puts the ownership on you for expressing your side of the scenario, and addressing the behavior directly (“inappropriate comments about Layla”), also communicates that you are feeling uncomfortable with the friend’s behavior (and not attacking their character). By addressing the behavior specifically (“being put in a loyalty bind”), you are clearly communicating the effects of the friend’s behavior so that they have awareness of it’s impact on you. And, ending the communication with an invitation to continue the friendship with both parties presents a good compromise, and appeals to your friend in a positive manner.
There are times when assertive communication can trigger a bit of pushback from others. Sometimes the individual may not be willing to admit their flaws, or they do not want to change their behavior. And, ultimately, it is up to you to decide if you want to continue the relationship with someone who may not be able to reciprocate that style of respectful communication and response. But, by communicating assertively to begin with, you have set in motion the appropriate boundaries that you would like to have in the relationship.
We must be mindful, however, that when communicating assertively, we do not swing to a more passive-aggressive or purely aggressive style. Passive aggressiveness can be seen as something that is not communicated directly, but has a “bite to it.” Sarcasm is a classic example. While our society tends to dramatize sarcastic humor in the media, when there is too much sarcasm in a relationship, we may unintentionally be creating more harm, or even emotional abuse toward the individual. And straight up aggressiveness is just not well received, period.
Keeping in mind the gentle but firm style of assertiveness, while holding true to your principles for respectful interactions and behaviors, can create a long lasting pattern of healthy and impactful communication in relationships.
