Reality Distortion…”you see it, now you don’t”
More knowledge has been coming out in the open about reality distortion (aka gaslighting). This is a classic technique that has been used for centuries, especially by individuals with emotional immaturity or narcissistic personality traits, to convince people that “what they see is not what they get.” Generally, this serves to confuse the individual’s perception of reality, and to allow the perpetrator to wriggle off the hook, squeaky clean.
Growing up with a gaslighter, I can tell you that it isn’t always easy to distinguish the truth. From a young age, I learned to develop a “built in lie detector,” where I could see my own reality as truth, and the distorted version as an illusion. But what I couldn’t understand, was whether the person was convinced of their own reality distortion. My siblings and I would often joke that our family member had a “memory problem,” because the memory distortion appeared obvious to us, but not to the family member distorting it.
It is interesting because, whenever I have been in situations where gaslighting is being employed, even though I instinctively know that what I’m being told is BS, I still get a bad (punchy) feeling in my gut. Sometimes this comes out as feeling bad about myself (which I am aware is part of the manipulation strategy). So why do we get hooked by gaslighting?
When the gaslighter is good (meaning experienced), they will be able to easily distort reality without any incongruence in their speech or facial expression. In fact, they may even seem to believe the distorted version themselves. Often this has more to do with the gaslighter’s need to preserve their good image, and to being unwilling or unable to acknowledge their faults or weaknesses. But, whether or not they actually believe it, or are just trying to convince you that you are to blame….back up a second.
First of all, acknowledge that the gaslighter’s version of reality does not sync with your own. This can be an internal process. Be aware of the feelings that are coming up and the reaction in your own body. If that reaction is telling you something you know not to be true, explore it. Then hold true to your own belief.
If you do say something, realize that it is not always helpful to argue with the gaslighter. I learned this the hard way. The problem is, that gaslighters will always have a response, a comeback, an excuse, a defense, or even a projection, that they will throw back at you. You are not speaking with someone who is grounded in reality, so arguments will never work.
Sometimes, the best response is to say something neutral, like, “I guess we see things differently,” or “I don’t think it is productive to continue re-hashing things right now.” This gets the gaslighter to take a break and go off the offensive. If you do want to acknowledge anything about your perspective, keep it focused on your feelings. “When you say (reality distortion)….I feel bad, I would appreciate more empathy for my experience.” Even this can feel like too much to say, and that is okay.
Realize that you are not to blame for the gaslighter’s projections, and their version of reality does not need to match yours. It is important that you hold on to your truth, regardless, and continue to validate your own experience, or to seek support from others who will.
